It’s April 3rd. I’m currently sitting in my second class of the day where these two girls next to me are talking so fucking loud I can barely think. They’re sitting directly next to each other.
I’m feeling awful. Really awful. For context, I’m a full time college student. Today, one of my favorite professors (if not my favorite professor,) asked another student if she’s considered publishing (...after she answered a single question correctly in class.) The professor asked if anyone in the class is pursuing grad school. (The girl who was told she should publish isn't even going for that.) When I raised my hand my professor just looked at me. Admittedly, she said we (we being the other person considering grad school and I) can always talk to her about publishing research. But when she looked at me, after I said I want to go to grad school, it felt dismissive. Or maybe not dismissive, but she certainly didn't have the same enthusiasm for me as she did with the other student.
Getting my doctorate is the only thing I care about, honestly. Maybe that’s my problem, but I have no interest in changing that. I do base my worth off of my grades and my ability to meet my academic goals. Why wouldn't I? The only thing I care about is the thing I’m studying. That's all I want to do. I’m working towards my future. And for somebody who doesn't even care about what she’s studying, to get more recognition than me, feels like shit. I’ve talked to this girl; she wants to be a state cop. Her daddy is a state cop. And she was asked by my favorite professor (relatively unprompted) if she's going to go to grad school and publish. She’s a wannabe cop. She shouldnt even be in this fucking school… Go to the police academy or something. Maybe it is jealousy, but I think it's warranted. Some wannabe cop is getting more recognition in academics than me. I know this makes me seem bitter and undeserving. I haven't written anything about what I’ve done to feel like I deserve to be recognized, so this seems like nothing more than unwarranted bitching.
I have no interest in explaining. Just take my word for it.
Does it really matter? No. It’s going to be a bit before I apply for grad school anyway. It's not like they only take ONE applicant for the program. Objectively this entire conversation matters little to none, yet I feel like I got kicked in the stomach by my professor. I care about her opinion more than I should. Maybe she doesn't like me as much as I thought. Maybe I need to try harder to appease her. I’ve taken her classes for about a year- she’s always really liked me. Other students have mentioned how it seems like she likes me more than other students. But today, that happened.
This entry has no point.
I feel frustrated, stressed, and defeated.
I still have so much work to do for my other classes.

It’s been a while since I’ve logged anything in this journal… shocker!
Really, I’ve just been crazy busy. I have written some, though. Just nothing all that interesting.
This, however, is something I think I can add in here: Embarrassment has become an everyday occurrence for me. Sometimes, multiple times a day. I embarrass myself often. And the worst part is, when I really think about it, it’s not that I can’t avoid it. I can- I just don’t. I think that may be a result of burnout. I cannot bring myself to care anymore.
I’m not going to go into the details of the specific occurrence that prompted me to write this tonight, but needless to say, it was incredibly embarrassing. So embarrassing, in fact, that I am not even putting it in writing, because holy shit. To get a feel for my current vibe, I asked my friends “on a scale of 1-10 how embarrassing is this thing that just happened?” and they said, without a doubt, 10. That’s where I’m at right now.
I’m not totally sure there is a point to this? Maybe to just get it out of my head… I think it’s just a pattern I’ve noticed recently. Not a positive pattern, but a pattern.
I’ve just been so swamped with school. And when I’m not doing school I’m exhausted. And it sucks, because it’s not like I don't want to do anything, I just can't even enjoy anything if I do it because I am so tired.
I’m praying things slow down soon. You’d think spring break would’ve helped, but it didn't.
There’s nothing else for me to say about this except for I am embarrassed and everything kinda sucks right now.
Also I got a parking ticket today. What the fuck?

I'm writing this as a general update. It's been too long since I've written. Genuinely, sorry about that. I've been busy both literally and mentally.
I'm doing surprisingly well despite the fact that I've been dealing with an awful sickness recently- I'm 99% sure it was/is the Norovirus. I have luckily stopped throwing up so, I'd say that's progress. Because I've been so sick I feel like I've gotten myself behind in school. I'm trying not to stress about it, but it's really hard not to. Especially with midterms soon. I genuinely hate missing classes.
I've very much moved on from being angry at "my ex" (if you could even call her that.) In sum, I'm glad this shit is over and I feel so much better without her in my life.
I met a girl online and we've been talking- she seems really cool. I've learned I'm shockingly bad at most everything dating related. I don't know how to talk to people in general, let alone "flirt." Especially with women.
I know you'd think "you're a woman, you know how to not make them uncomfortable!" You'd think so, but god you'd be surprised. I'd obviously never make anyone uncomfortable in a physical or sexual way, but my general existence makes people uncomfortable. I move weird, I talk weird, I don't know how to make eye contact, and I certainly don't know how to treat anyone like anything other than an acquaintance. Like I said tho, I've been talking to a girl and she seems really cool. I just dread the idea of actually meeting IRL. Not because I dont want to, but because I'm bound to fuck it up.
Anyway, I've gotten a ton of followers on here recently and I'm not really sure why. Whenever I have a large influx of followers I always get worried I've ended up on some sort of Republican incel form. I don't really have anything to say about that- just a scary thought, honestly.
I guess I don't have a lot else to write about... I often feel like I have more to write throughout the day. I should really keep a small notepad on me to take notes on what I want to say.
Sorry these have been sporadic and boring. Life is... boring-ish right now. More stressful than boring, actually. And nobody wants to hear about that shit.
God I can't wait for spring break.

"if the worst thing i did was care too much and try too hard then i am content. youll never be able to say the same."

This is going to be short and relatively uninteresting.
I'm doing really good honestly. I ran out of weed tho, and that has made me feel like shit! It is what it is, I guess.
After this entry I plan on writing (most likely) nothing about this ex shit.
I've been doing good since the breakup and, since I completely cut contact, I've felt better every day. Significantly less stressed and anxious. I'm proud of myself for being able to control my thoughts and mood as well as I have been.
Random as fuck, but I like this meme a lot and its relevant to my life right now lol:

I hope you're all doing well and staying warm (if it's cold where you are, ofc.)
Keep going, yall.

1/24/25 [12:37am]
Well, some updates. A closing of this chapter if you will.
I blocked E. She “cheated” while we were “on a break.” Honestly, I’m hurt. I’m not hurt because I’m losing her; I’m hurt because I’m deeply embarrassed that I let myself entertain that relationship. I’m even more embarrassed I’ve allowed it to negatively affect my mood for so long. I’m angry too. I’m angry I genuinely tried and she still didn’t care.
I sent her a text with a screenshot of the proof. It was a short text, basically just “You’re blocked on everything, this is why.” I blocked her immediately after sending it and she then drunkenly responded from a different number (which is hilarious, because it’s 12am and she lives alone… Maybe she sent it from her new girlfriend's phone.) It wasn’t even an apology- it was complete unempathetic nonsense.
In a way I’m glad she responded and I’m glad I got confirmation of her cheating- this will make it easier to forget her. I blocked the number she sent the second text on too.
I’m really not sure why I feel so sad about this. She was nothing but constant drama, all I did was try to help her, & in return I was OBSCENELY used.
I have absolutely no interest in getting back together with her romantically or otherwise; I’m incredibly disgusted with her. I have no intention of “revenge,” obviously. I just really hope I never see her again. But still, I am sad. I think it’s because I feel so betrayed. I really gave her the benefit of the doubt. Everybody said “she’s using you,” and I said “she just needs help right now.” Then, as soon as she got out of her “slump,” I was gone. And she said nothing. That's really the worst part. She never said anything.
It’s 1am now & I have to be up in 7 hours for class. I really wish I could sleep, but this made me so angry I can’t relax. I think, in a week or two, I’ll be able to forget her as long as I keep her completely away.

1/24/25 [11:42am]
I'm in class, I should be listening but I think this is a lot of review.
It's morning. I feel pretty alright, actually. The idea of her being truly gone makes me feel more relieved than upset. Like a weight lifted off my shoulders.
I still feel embarrassed. She really embarrassed me. But other than that I’m okay.
Something that's really helping me right now is knowing for a fact that the worst thing I did in that relationship was care too much. That was it. I didn't cheat, I was honest, I didn’t pretend to care.
Maybe karma is real and the sacrifices I made for her will be repaid in kind. I am ready to move on from this.

I probably should have updated this sooner… Sorry, lol.
Honestly, I'm not doing bad at all. I’m back in my hometown for winter break, so that’s made “moving on” a lot easier. I cared about the “breakup” for like a week and now I’m honestly over the whole thing. I’ve just accepted the fact that I was used. And honestly, at least at the current moment, I regret even entertaining the relationship from the beginning. It was a bad situation and I knew it. It's honestly embarrassing that I let myself care so much about that pipe dream.
The one thing this has taught me, though, is that I do want a girlfriend. Most people I’ve talked to say Hinge isn't a bad option. Chat, is this true? Let me know.
She still wants to be friends and calls me; I think once she finds someone new to pay her attention to that will stop. I have no interest in being her friend. I don't want to see her get into a new relationship and I certainly don't want to be expected to listen to her talk about it.
I very much want to move on completely from this (unless she somehow gets her shit together in the next 20 days or so.) I've already spent way too much time and energy worrying about the whole thing. I’m looking forward to the next semester of school, but only because of classes. I don't want to deal with her shit when I get back until she actually figures out where she's at and what she wants.
Like I said, this was a bad idea from the start. In a way, I wish I never met her. I know I’d be happier now if I didn't. I think I was just so excited to want and feel wanted back. Now I know that though.
I have very little, besides that, to say about the whole thing. I have very little actual thoughts about it. I think I’m kind of numbed to it now. I spent so long caring about “saving this” and now I just don't have any more care in me. She doesn't care, so why should I?
I guess that’s the end of this entry. Slightly depressing, but I’ll keep moving on.

This entry started on December 5th at 12:14am. I then finished it on December 7th at 4:14am.
This is a random entry but I'm high and have a lot of feelings. This is also going to be incredibly short and vague.
If you're one of my only IRLs who knows about my site (J) and youre reading this for some reason, please stop reading now. It would only hurt you.
I would say something about “if the person who this is about reads this…” but I don't think she remembers my URL and even if she did she wouldn't care enough to look.
[START OF DECEMBER 5 ENTRY] Her (E) and I called it off yesterday (very recently, last ⅘ hours,) and I am not doing well at all. I am incredibly hurt and I am really concerned she doesn't care. That she's relieved. Finals are next week I have a speech in the morning. Since being medicated I rarely feel sadness- it's only fine, happy, or angry. But for the first time in a surprisingly long time I am genuinely sad. I make the best art when I am sad so… that is at least something.
I'm so tired i cant write anymore- i hope to finish this later.
[START OF DECEMBER 7 ENTRY]
For context, she wants to be single for a while. I honestly don't blame her for *this* decision; it’s the way she’s treated me because of that that makes me so upset.
It's been a short bit since that previous entry, but I feel better. We’re still talking… The morning after that entry I said it'd be best if we went no contact. I still agree with this; it would be the best for my mental health to leave her and forget this ever happened. I’m not going to get into specifics, it's barely my business at this point, but long story short… she used me. On paper, 100%, used me for emotional and housing stability. I was a rebound.
Despite knowing no contact is best I’ve continued to entertain her persistence to be “friends.” As douchey as this sounds, (and let it be on record that E knows this,) I have no want to be friends. I don't see her as a friend and I never really have. It would do nothing but sadden me to be her friend and watch her move on. So, as I said, I should forget this. But for whatever reason I said, basically, I missed her earlier last night. Though this is very true, I regret it. I don't think she misses me.
This is… cringe, but it is important to me so I'm sharing. I've been listening to a lot of Shep Gold’s TikTok. They've been helping me since the breakup. Earlier yesterday night he was live. I explained my situation, (missing her when I shouldnt,) in the comments and he responded with, quite literally;
“That's just pain, man. That's a lot of pain. Do what you want tho. Jeez.”
I know he’s right.
I also now have an immense amount of hesitancy about her because 1- she has demonstrated she doesn't respect me 2- i would have never done this to her 3- i really dont believe she actually cares about us breaking up, i think there's a huge chance she's more relieved than anything. And 4- there's a non zero chance that she's with her ex or found somebody new to talk to. She was out of my league to begin with.
She hasn't called me in days. That's a partial reason for why I'm fairly certain she has no interest in me anymore, beyond a “friend.” She has an obsession with her social relationships (keeping friends when they treat her badly, being upset when anybody dislikes her slightly, etc.)
Like I said, I'm not going to go into too much detail, but I will most likely update soon.
If we do break up expect a lot more writing, at least.
She still hasn't gotten her stuff from my place.

Two very short things:
1. If you live in the US PLEASE GO VOTE! Kamala Walz 2024 :)


stay mad facist scum

2. Life is really great right now. Shout out existence and getting better
Hope yall are doing well! ♥

Holy shit it's been 6 mounths since I've written in here.
To be honest I have very little to write; I'm currently in class. The only thing I have to say at this moment is that I am incredibly tired of the perpetuated idea that "suicide is the most selfish act a person can do." or that its "selfish" at all. I dont have a lot of interest expanding on this, to be honest. That is for no reason other than it exhausts me to define and break down something so clear and simple, especially when it is mainly reliant on empathy.
Hope youre all doing well.

This isn't gonna be a super long entry or anything. I just want to vent about this shit and organize my thoughts… The supreme court ruled today that Trump must be allowed to be on the CO ballot (or every state ballot, really…) I’m just really fucking sick of the united states. I'm so sick of rich people getting away with shit. Trump literally incited a riot that caused the January 6th siege and the supreme court, 1/3 of which was appointed by Trump, still overruled multiple states at this point, ultimately allowing him to run. It’s just fucking unconsitituional. How can a felon run for president when felons cant even vote? We are so fucked. I would write more but I have to get to my next class…Hope nobody is feeling as hopeless as I am right now.

To be totally honest I am starting this journal entry because I have to write an essay and I want to test how “difficult” it is to write 400 words. I figured I might as well make this test worth something so… hello website! I am fucking awful at writing in this online-journal and for that I am sorry. I have no real life updates, though I do want to say that I often find myself thinking of things to write about and telling myself: “I should write about that…'' but then I just don’t have time/am too lazy/forget/etc. Let’s check the word count so far… 109! Shit. This is going to take me wayyyy too fucking long. This paper is due tomorrow at 8pm. It’s on biological anthropology (as if I give a shit.) I haven't started it… obviously. I’m sure it will be fineeeeeeeeee.
Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Today, while walking back to my dorm, I thought that I should write about my younger self because I was listening to the band that (kind of embarrassingly?) got me through my fucked up younger days. That band being Human Petting Zoo. I still love that artist and I would never deny that, but I don't listen to their stuff very often; if ever, sadly. Word check: 210.
While listening I thought about how weird it is that I can remember *so vividly* listening to one of their songs in my bedroom, probably 7th grade, in a house that I hated, feeling fucking awful at wayyyy to young. But now I’m the happiest I’ve ever been and I’m in college. Obviously a good thing but… there’s also this weird part of me that finds the whole thing unnerving because it feels like it happened such a short period ago. It’s been probably 7-8 years since that time and it feels like it was only 3. I can’t say I’m “upset” about how I spent those 7-8 years… it’s not like this upsets me because I’m thinking “I’m getting old” or “I haven't made good use of my time alive” it’s more just that I don’t know why I feel like it was so recent.
Another thing with this, when I think about how old I am; in my head the first answer has always been “13.” I have no fucking clue why. I am most definitely not 13 and it has been YEARS since I was. I assume these two things are semi-related. I don't know.
409 words… that took me WAY longer than it should've… great.

Hello, all. I'm currently waiting for my next class to start so I thought I'd pop in and write real quick.
Life is going good, I think. I ended up being selected for top of my class by one of the best instructors in my major and I made "deans list" (which is truly not difficult) but I'm still excited about it. I have a cat offcially! I'm not going to write his name here but he is the best and I love him.
I miss my mom and dog a lot... my mom may come to visit soon tho, which will make me feel better.
I'm objectively at a very good place right now. Not working, only school. I have the best friend group I could ever ask for. I'm relatively healthy. My classes are going fine.
I am a little worried about math and science tho... taking both this semester. My math class uses a program called "R" for all of our calculaations. It's a data-science class. I'm doing alright with it so far... me knowing basic HTML/CSS is helping a lot.
I love my friends.

It's Dylan's birthday. He would've been 41 today...